Let us look at the process of the beginning of a story- First from who’s POV should this be? After much thought I changed that… Then I learned about passive voice and active ones. Then speech tags. Construction and flow. Later a friend of mine who is invaluable to me taught me that DEEP POV… make your reader feel and see the story- They want to know the character and be there with them. Readability is key. All this and we only have words upon a page to portray this…
SO here are three different attempts- See if you agree which one is best
First seven lines… (old a year ago)
As the tin bell clanged to announce Gina Lever’s entry to the Springtown Café, she inhaled deeply the fragrance of bacon and freshly brewed coffee. With the millennium just around the corner it was odd to see the decor of the fifties so alive. Not only did the diner resemble the long ago era but it actually existed, suspended in time, since many of the furnishings were brand new. The tiny restaurant was the only place to eat in the Arkansas-Missouri border town of Springville. The old Hotel had few visitors, the bottling company had closed and the storefronts were mostly empty, yet The Springville Café was bustling with customers.
Gina looked over toward her usual booth to find it occupied by Matthew Chance. She also knew why the young man was there; with the death of his grandfather he was alone now.
(newer this year)
His family was broken before he was born. Matt knew money didn’t buy happiness; he never wanted for anything, but that. Being the richest kid in the county hadn’t brought much joy to his family situation. He witnessed family bonds of kids at school and now that graduation was over, Matt wouldn’t even have those examples on a daily basis. He never knew his parents. Sam Chance, his grandfather, didn’t share anything least of all information. Matt would give all his money to have what so many others took for granted.
After study work and suggestions from a real editor…
Holding the last piece of crunchy goodness, Matthew Chance took a bite, I bet you, heaven is full of bacon, he thought as he sat in the Springville Diner. He looked at his watch for the hundredth time this morning. A fresh batch of cinnamon rolls, spread a thick blissful sugary scent over the diners. Matt visualized the huge pecans and melted gooey caramel. His mouth watered as he considering ordering one to go and stabbed the last bit of egg onto his fork. When he was finished, he’d be forced to return to the outside world, a world that thought he should be grieving over his grandfather’s death.